When Healing Changes the Dance: What Happens When the Adult Child of Dysfunction Starts to Heal

Erika Baum
Oct 27
3 min read

The Unseen Roles We Learn in Chaos

Growing up in a home with alcoholism, emotional volatility, or chronic dysfunction forces children to adapt in ways that don’t come naturally — but are necessary to survive. They learn to scan for danger, anticipate moods, and keep the peace. They learn that safety depends on other people’s emotions staying steady.

Many become the caretakers, fixers, or peacekeepers, believing that love is something you earn by managing others’ feelings. They might grow up to be the ones who stand up for everyone else — yet struggle to stand up for themselves.

I work with many adults who over-help others and are quick to jump in to protect, rescue, or fight for someone else’s dignity — yet feel unworthy of doing the same for their own.

They often say things like, “Yeah, he called me that name, but it doesn’t really bother me.” But that’s the voice of a child who learned to brush off disrespect to keep the peace — a survival strategy in a household where standing up for themselves would have made things worse.

Underneath it all lies a painful belief:

“Other people deserve respect — I just have to earn mine.”

The Cost of Carrying the Blame

In dysfunctional families, someone often has to play the role of “the problem.”Maybe you were the scapegoat — the one who got blamed so others didn’t have to face their own pain. To survive, you learned to internalize the message: “Something must be wrong with me.”

As adults, this wiring can feel familiar in relationships that mirror that old dynamic. You might unconsciously choose partners who are emotionally unavailable, critical, or unpredictable — because it feels like home. When conflict arises, you might automatically take the blame or become the emotional punching bag. The cycle repeats: self-abandonment disguised as love.

When Healing Begins, the Relationship Shifts

But healing changes everything. When you start recognizing your inherent worth — that you deserve respect, safety, and reciprocity — the old dance no longer works. You stop absorbing other people’s emotions. You stop accepting mistreatment. You start speaking up, setting boundaries, and choosing peace over chaos.

And that’s when the system shifts. The partner who was comfortable in the old dynamic suddenly feels unsettled. The person who once felt powerful in the imbalance now feels threatened. The one who could safely project their pain onto you begins to lose their outlet.

This stage can feel turbulent — for both people. The partner doing the healing often feels guilty, confused, and conflicted: “Am I being selfish? Am I the problem?”Meanwhile, the other partner may push harder, criticize louder, or guilt more intensely in an attempt to pull you back into the familiar dysfunction.

And it’s easy to slip. It’s easy to think, “If I just let them blame me for all their woes… if I just go along to get along… things will be peaceful.”

But is that really peace?

Or is it silence built on self-abandonment?

Because true peace isn’t the absence of conflict — it’s the presence of honesty, respect, and emotional safety. And that kind of peace can only exist when both people are willing to face themselves.

The Growing Pains of Becoming Healthy

Healing often creates turbulence before it creates calm. You’re rewriting a relational story that’s been rehearsed since childhood. Sometimes, that means a relationship ends. Sometimes, it evolves. But always, it reveals what can — and can’t — grow in the light of your newfound self-worth.

This isn’t rebellion. It’s restoration.

It’s the moment you realize: