Never Defend Yourself

Erika Baum
Oct 17, 2025
3 min read

Updated: Oct 19, 2025

Disclaimer: This site shares general information and ideas — not therapy, professional advice, or mental health treatment. Reading here does not make me your therapist (imagine the paperwork if it did). As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ‘A mind stretched by new ideas never returns to its original dimension.’ That’s the spirit of what you’ll find here. Read on, my friend.

Defensiveness is one of the most human reactions there is. The moment we feel misunderstood, blamed, or criticized, something ancient inside us wakes up — that instinctive need to protect the self.

Alan Watts, a hippy-era philosopher, once said that we don’t actually need to defend ourselves at all — because what we’re defending isn’t the truth of who we are, but the idea of who we are.

The self that gets defensive is not our authentic self — it’s the conditioned self, built from old stories, survival strategies, and identities we’ve carried to stay safe in the world.

When someone challenges that image — even unintentionally — our nervous system treats it like danger. We brace, argue, explain, or withdraw. It’s not really about the other person; it’s about an ancient fear that says:

“If I’m misunderstood, I’m unsafe.”

Defensiveness as a Trauma Response

From a trauma perspective, defensiveness often signals a protective part of us trying to manage pain. If you grew up in an environment where you had to justify your feelings or prove your worth to be accepted, your system likely learned that defending yourself was necessary for survival.

That’s why it feels so urgent — even over small things. The body tightens, the mind races, and before you even realize it, you’re trying to “fix” the other person’s perception of you.

But as Watts reminds us, that battle can never be won. The more we defend, the more entangled we become in the very illusion we’re trying to escape.

When the Heart Hardens

Pema Chödrön, in Practicing Peace, writes:

“War is never going to end as long as our hearts are hardened against each other.”

We tend to think of war as something external — but the real war begins inside. The moment we harden, justify, and close off, we lose access to empathy.

She writes further:

“We often talk about people’s fundamentalism, but whenever we harden our hearts, what is going on with us? ....We ourselves are becoming fundamentalists, which is to say we become very self-righteous about our personal point of view. First the heart closes, then the mind becomes hardened to a view, then you can justify your hatred of another human being just because of what they represent and what they say or do.”

When we become defensive, we slip into this same pattern on a micro level. The heart closes. The mind solidifies around a story. And suddenly, there’s no room for curiosity, nuance, or repair.

Softening the Internal War

From a psychological lens, defending yourself often keeps you trapped in the same cycles you’re trying to heal. It keeps the nervous system activated — on guard, scanning for threat, protecting the fragile image of “me.”

The healing work is to pause before the defense.To notice what happens in your body — the tightening, the heat, the urge to correct or explain.And instead of acting from that place, take a breath.Let the body settle first.

Then ask:

What part of me feels attacked right now?
What story am I trying to protect?
What would happen if I didn’t defend?

Often, underneath the defense is a tender longing — to be seen, understood, or validated. But defending rarely gets us that. Softening does.

Practicing the Pause

Next time you feel the impulse to defend yourself:

Pause — Feel the body’s reaction.
Breathe — Soften your jaw, your shoulders, your belly.
Name it — “I notice a part of me that feels misunderstood.”
Stay open — Allow the other person’s perspective to exist without rushing to erase it.

You may still clarify or speak up — but from a grounded place rather than a guarded one.

The Paradox of Strength

It takes more strength to stay undefended than it does to argue your case.It takes more wisdom to listen with an open heart than to prove your point.And it takes immense self-trust to know that truth doesn’t need protection.

As we soften what is rigid in our own hearts, we stop perpetuating inner wars — and we begin to model peace in real time.

Because peace isn’t just an idea. It’s a practice.And it begins the moment you stop defending who you think you are,and start relaxing into who you truly are.