The Silent Treatment Is Ruining Your Relationships—Here’s Why

Erika Baum
Mar 21, 2025
5 min read

Have you ever had someone just… stop talking to you? Maybe they were mad, maybe they were hurt, but instead of telling you what was wrong, they shut you out completely. No calls, no texts, just silence. If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, you know how awful it feels. And if you’ve ever given the silent treatment, you probably justified it as “needing space” or “teaching them a lesson.”

But here’s the hard truth: The silent treatment isn’t healthy. It’s not mature. And it’s absolutely wrecking your relationships.

But here’s the hard truth: The silent treatment isn’t healthy. It’s not mature. And it’s absolutely wrecking your relationships

Why Do We Use the Silent Treatment?

If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you might be all too familiar with this dynamic. When they were upset, they didn’t sit down and talk it through with you. They didn’t model emotional regulation or conflict resolution. Instead, they withdrew, ignored, or punished you with silence.

And what did that teach you?

That love is conditional. That connection can be revoked at any moment. That if you make a mistake or upset someone, you deserve to be abandoned—even if just emotionally.

Fast-forward to adulthood, and suddenly you’re doing the same thing. Maybe you don’t mean to, but when your partner, friend, or coworker upsets you, your first instinct is to pull away and shut them out. It feels safer. It feels like control.

But it’s not control. It’s avoidance. And it’s damaging the people you care about.

The silent treatment is not setting a boundary. It is an immature response ruining your relationships.

A Personal Example: When Someone Withdrew From Me

Not long ago, I unknowingly upset someone, and instead of addressing it with me, they got distant, short, and passive-aggressively withdrew. I could feel the shift immediately—less engagement, a colder tone, shorter responses.

In the past, my people-pleasing, fix-it nature would have kicked in hard. I would have anxiously tried to figure out what I did wrong. I would have asked, Did I do something to upset you? I would have bent over backward to make it right, even though I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for.

But now? I recognize that someone else’s choice to withdraw isn’t my responsibility to fix. It also tells me that this person is not acting emotionally mature—and at this point in my life, I am an adult, and I don’t engage with emotional immaturity. I’ve dealt with enough of that in my family of origin. I am not a mind reader, and I refuse to participate in the exhausting game of trying to decode someone’s unspoken resentment.

If they have an issue with me, they can address it like an adult. If they choose not to? That’s their emotional work to do—not mine.

Mel Robbins' Take: Let Them Feel However They Feel

Mel Robbins talks about this in The Let Them Theory. Instead of trying to control other people’s reactions or punish them for how they made you feel, she challenges us to let them.

Let them be mad. Let them be wrong. Let them misunderstand you.

Because at the end of the day, their emotions are not yours to manage. And neither is their growth. You can either engage in healthy communication or walk away if needed—but icing someone out to make a point? That’s emotional manipulation, not boundary-setting.

Icing someone out to make a point? That’s emotional manipulation, not boundary-setting.

How the Silent Treatment Damages Your Relationships

Let’s talk about what really happens when we use the silent treatment:

In Romantic Relationships: Your partner upsets you, so you go silent for days. Instead of resolving the issue, it festers. They feel anxious, rejected, and unsure where they stand with you. Over time, this builds resentment and emotional distance.

In Friendships: A friend does something hurtful. Instead of talking about it, you ghost them. They don’t get a chance to explain, apologize, or even understand what went wrong. The friendship dissolves, not because of the initial issue, but because of the lack of communication.

At Work: A coworker takes credit for your idea, so you stop engaging with them completely. Instead of addressing it professionally, you create tension and make collaboration miserable for everyone involved.

What Mel Robbins Says About Disrespect & the Silent Treatment

In her podcast episode "6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It," Mel Robbins calls the silent treatment what it really is: passive-aggressive disrespect. She explains that withholding communication as a way to punish someone isn’t just immature—it’s a form of emotional manipulation.

Instead of shutting someone out, Robbins suggests a better approach:

State your needs directly. Instead of ghosting, say: “I’m feeling upset and need some time to think. Let’s talk about this later.”

Address disrespect head-on. If someone is repeatedly icing you out, acknowledge it: “When you ignore me like this, it feels really hurtful. If we need space, let’s agree on a time to talk instead.”

Break the cycle. If this behavior was done to you growing up, recognize that you can do things differently. You don’t have to perpetuate emotional avoidance.

Let's call the silent treatment what it really is: passive-aggressive disrespect.

So, What Should You Do Instead?

If you’ve been using the silent treatment—consciously or unconsciously—it’s time to shift your approach.

Pause, but communicate. If you need space, say so: “I’m upset and need some time to process. Let’s talk later.” This keeps the connection open without shutting the other person out.
Acknowledge the discomfort. If confrontation feels scary, recognize that. But avoiding it won’t make the issue go away.
Practice emotional regulation. Instead of withdrawing, ask yourself, What am I feeling? What do I actually need?
Have the hard conversations. It won’t always be easy, but addressing issues directly builds trust and emotional safety in your relationships.

Breaking the Cycle

If the silent treatment was used on you growing up, it makes sense that you’d struggle with it now. But here’s the thing—you’re not a helpless kid anymore. You get to do things differently. You get to build relationships based on mutual respect, not fear of abandonment.

So, next time you feel the urge to go silent, pause. Ask yourself: What do I actually want from this person? Connection? Understanding? Accountability?

Then take the risk—and use your words.

Because real intimacy isn’t built in silence. It’s built in the hard, messy, honest conversations that bring us closer together.