When Questions Don’t Feel Safe

Erika Baum
Nov 20
3 min read

Why Some Adults Over-Explain or Get Defensive After Growing Up in Dysfunction

“Why did you do it like that?”, “Why are you late?”,

“Do you really like that?”, “Why would you choose that?”,

“Are you overreacting?”, “Do you really believe that’s the best option?”

Many adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families share a surprisingly common reaction:

Someone asks a simple question… and suddenly they feel anxious, misunderstood, or like they’re being judged.

Instead of answering briefly, they:

over-explain
justify
defend
try to “prove” their good intentions

To outsiders, this may look like insecurity. But in relational trauma terms, this is actually a protector part — a nervous system response shaped by early experiences.

This is especially common for those raised by emotionally immature parents, where questions were rarely about curiosity or connection.

🧒 A Personal Example: When a Question Isn’t a Question

When I was a teenager, my stepmom walked into the room, sniffed the air dramatically, and said:

“Do you smell cigarette smoke?”

I had never smoked a day in my life. But I instantly felt the message underneath the question:

➡️ She already thinks I did something wrong.

➡️ She’s waiting for me to slip up.

➡️ I am being accused — without the accusation.

Instead of simply saying, “No,” I launched into a frantic defense:

“I don’t smoke. I don’t even know how to use a lighter. I’ve never even held a cigarette. I don’t hang around people who smoke.”

Looking back, I can only imagine how guilty I must have looked — desperate to prove innocence that should have been assumed. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I knew: Every question was a test — and I would fail unless I over-explained.

That was the day my protector part learned an important rule for survival:

“If you don’t explain everything, you will be blamed for something you didn’t do.”

And that rule followed me into adulthood.

🚫 When Questions Were Tests, Not Invitations

In many dysfunctional family systems, questions from caregivers were actually:

criticisms wrapped in curiosity
accusations disguised as inquiry
traps where any answer could be wrong

This teaches a child:

I must defend myself before I’m blamed
I won’t be believed unless I explain everything
Authority figures assume I’m doing something wrong

In the language of IFS (Internal Family Systems) and parts work, a protector part develops to protect the child from shame, punishment, or being misunderstood. Over time, this part becomes automatic — showing up instantly whenever someone asks a question that even feels judgmental.

🧩 How This Shows Up in Adulthood

Fast-forward 20+ years — this part still believes the rules are the same:

“Questions are dangerous. Someone has already made up their mind about me.”

So when a boss, partner, colleague, or even a friend asks something like:

“Where were you?”
“Why did you choose that?”
“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

…the part springs into action:

Explain everything before they assume the worst
Work hard to be accurately understood
Avoid being blamed or shamed again

This isn’t overreacting.It’s C-PTSD in relational form — a survival response wired into the body.

🌱 Re-Teaching the Nervous System That Curiosity Can Be Safe

In relational trauma therapy, particularly IFS, healing involves:

Recognizing when this “Over-Explainer” protector part shows up
Building compassion for why it exists
Creating real-time experiences of safe curiosity
Helping the part learn: “I am safe. My worth isn’t being evaluated.”

Supportive relationships, including therapy, provide corrective experiences like:

Questions that are truly curious
Tone that is gentle and steady
Accurate reflection and validation
Zero punishment for being vulnerable

Gradually, the nervous system learns that connection doesn’t require defense.

❤️ For Anyone Who Relates

If your body braces when someone asks “why,” there is nothing wrong with you.

This is a normal trauma-shaped response that formed to protect you when you needed protection most.

And now, with the right support, it’s absolutely possible to help this part feel safe enough to relax — so you can experience curiosity as connection, not threat.