Attachment Styles (Anxious, Avoidant, Secure): Denver, CO

This week we will delve a little deeper into attachment theory and explore how your attachment style influences the level and type of intimacy experienced in relationships. 

If you have an insecure attachment style, a key to moving towards secure attachment is to understand how your attachment wound becomes activated by romantic partners. When it becomes activated, drama, arguments, and painful emotions ensue. 

There is hope Denver!  Knowledge and self-awareness can go a long way in bringing you closer to having a healthy life of secure love. 90% of this work is self-awareness. 

The sections below are broken-down by attachment style, but please watch them all, even if they are not your attachment style. Why? You will meet people with different attachment styles. The more you can recognize their unconscious behavior, the less activated you will become, and you can give them empathy and grace.  

Please go section by section through this lesson and think about how this relates to your own experiences, and we can discuss this at our next session. 

Section 1: The 4 Attachment Styles of Love

When we partner up, it is important to know your and your partner's attachment styles because the relationship's combination can often have predictable issues. People vary greatly in their need for intimacy and closeness. These differences create clashes. 

Each attachment style differs in: 

• their view of intimacy and togetherness

• the way they deal with conflict

• their attitude towards sex

• their ability to communicate wishes and needs

• their expectations from their partner and the relationship

Watch the video below to deepen your understanding of attachment styles when it comes to love. 

Section 2: Anxious Attachment

The dating process can be incredibly anxiety-provoking for people with anxious attachment. You crave intimacy and closeness but have many insecurities about where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does can cause you anxiety. 

If you are anxiously attached, you should be very aware if you are dating someone with avoidant attachment. Your healthiest mate will likely have a secure attachment style.  

Anxious Attachment Characteristics: 

• Wants lots of closeness in the relationship. 

• Expresses insecurities and worries about rejection. 

• Unhappy when not in a relationship. 

• Plays games to keep a partner's attention/interest. 

• Has difficulty explaining what's bothering him/her. Expects partner to guess. 

• Acts out. 

• Has a hard time not making things about him/herself in the relationship. 

• Fears small acts will ruin the relationship; believes s/he must work hard to keep a partner's interest. 

• Suspicious a partner may be unfaithful. 

Section 3: Avoidant Attachment

For someone with an avoidant attachment style, dating can feel confusing. Avoidantly attached people can view themselves as lonesome travelers on life's journey. They idealize a life of self-sufficiency and look down upon dependency. Although they may feel this way, deep down, there is still a craving for connection with other people. 

If you have an avoidant attachment, you are unlikely to be attracted to other people with avoidant attachment. You will likely seem very attractive to people with anxious attachment, but these will likely be extremely challenging partners for you. You want distance, while they will want intense closeness. Your best mate will likely be someone with a secure attachment. 

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics: 

• Sends mixed signals. 

• Values his/her independence greatly. 

• Devalues a partner (or previous partners). 

• Uses distancing strategies...both emotional or physical. 

• Emphasizes boundaries in the relationship. 

• Has an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be. 

• Mistrustful and fears being taken advantage of by a partner. 

• Has rigid view of relationships and uncompromising rules. 

• During a disagreement, needs to get away or "explodes."

• Doesn't make his/her intentions clear. 

• Has difficulty talking about what's going on with a partner. 

Section 4: Secure Attachment

If you are lucky enough to have a secure attachment style, you have more dating options and a higher likelihood of finding and maintaining a lifelong partnership. 

People with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy with a romantic partner and don't obsess about the relationship or a partner's ability to love you back. 

Securely attached people can partner well with other securely attached, avoidantly attached, or anxiously attached. 

Securely Attached Characteristics: 

• Reliable and consistent.

• Makes decisions with you. 

• Flexible view of relationships. 

• Communicates relationship issues well. 

• Can reach compromise during arguments. 

• Not afraid of commitment or dependency. 

• Doesn't view relationships as hard work. 

• Closeness creates closeness. 

• Introduces friends and family early on. 

• Naturally expresses feeling for you. 

• Doesn't play games. 

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Section 5: Example of an Anxious & Avoidant Relationship

If you are either anxiously or avoidantly attached, you will probably be able to relate to this movie clip. Unfortunately, the differing intimacy needs between those anxiously and avoidantly attached cause unending stress and heartache. Both individuals hope the other will change to meet their intimacy needs. 

Reflection

Close your eyes and think of someone who brought out the worst in you. What characteristics did they have? Write those down. Now, close your eyes and think of someone who brought out the best in you. What characteristics did they have? Write those down. Take a few moments to think about these characteristics. How could inform how you choose your next partner?

Activity

• Can you identify what attachment styles your friends and family may have?

• If so, write down the person's name and what attachment style you think they have.

• How do you think understanding attachment theory will help you better understand your relationships with your friends/family? 

• Can you identify what attachment styles your past partners may have had?

• If so, write down the person's name and what attachment style you think they have. 

• Do you notice any patterns in your relationships after completing this activity? 

You Can Heal!

Are you wanting to heal from your past relational wounds and move towards secure attachment? Book a consultation here.

Erika Baum, LPCC Attachment and Relationship EMDR Trauma Counselor in Denver, Colorado

Written by:

Erika Baum, M.A. Clinical Mental Health Counseling, LPCC, NCC

EMDR-Trained

Book an appointment HERE.

Denver, Castle Rock, Englewood, Colorado