Understanding Shame-Informed Therapy: A Path to Healing

What is core shame?

Shame is a powerful emotion that deeply impacts how we see ourselves and interact with the world.

It often hides in the shadows of our psyche, influencing our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships in ways we may not fully understand.

SHAME: I am bad. GUILT: I did something bad.

What Is Core Shame?

Core shame is the deep-seated belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us—that we are flawed, unworthy, or unlovable.

Unlike guilt, which is the feeling that we've done something wrong, shame makes us feel as though we ARE wrong.

This emotion often takes root in childhood, when we're most vulnerable and impressionable.

It can be triggered by various experiences, such as criticism, neglect, abuse, or even seemingly minor incidents that make us feel inadequate or rejected.

The deep-seated belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us—that we are flawed, unworthy, or unlovable.

Where Does Core Shame Come From?

Shame gets stuck in our neural circuity (our unconscious memory), making it hard to release.

Let me explain this a little more so it makes sense.

Every experience initiates neural firing. When you have repeated experiences, groups of neurons wire together and get stronger and stronger.

This forms a habitual response to that type of experience.

The most impactful experiences that form these neuron clusters (our core reality) are around our need as young humans to connect, attach, and belong.

How we were responded to as children when we reach out creates expectations for all our future relationships.

"When I reach out, this is what will happen..."

If we repeatedly reach out and receive a positive response, we feel secure, safe, loved, and loveable.

On the other hand, if we are frequently pushed away or told we are doing something wrong, this gives us the sense that we are unlovable. We then anticipate this reaction to us in future relationships.

Depending on how we were responded to as children creates expectations for all our future relationships.

Toxic shame comes from:

• Biological roots

  
  

• Family of origin

  • "You are not good enough." "You do not belong...you are different.," "You are not lovable.," "You should not exist."

  • Borrowed shame: the parent's shameful behavior becomes the child's persistent shame.

  • Shame is projected/blamed so the abuser does not have to take responsibility and do anything about it.

• Shaming relationships

  • Gaslighting: when someone intentionally twists your perception of reality for their own gain.

  • Watch for and is quick to point out mistakes

  • Will use vulnerable information to attack the other person

• Societal pressures

  • achievement oriented

  • conformity

  • focus on image and appearance

  • institutional shaming

• Self-shaming

  • self-hatred

  • perfectionism

Symptoms of Core Shame

Core shame can manifest in various ways, both emotionally and physically. Some common symptoms include:

• Low Self-Esteem: You may constantly feel unworthy, inadequate, or inferior to others, regardless of your achievements or qualities.

• Perfectionism: Striving for perfection may be an attempt to cover up feelings of shame, as you fear that any mistake will expose your flaws.

• People-Pleasing: You might go out of your way to gain approval or avoid conflict, driven by the fear of rejection or criticism.

• Isolation: Core shame can make you feel unworthy of love or connection, leading to withdrawal from relationships or social situations.

• Self-Criticism: An inner voice may continuously judge and criticize you, reinforcing the belief that you are not good enough.

• Addiction or Compulsive Behaviors: These can serve as coping mechanisms to numb the pain of shame or distract yourself from negative self-perceptions.

Shame Defenses (Body Guards)

When we feel core shame, we often go into a defensive mode, and our internal body guards step up to protect us.

Toxic core shame turns a once hopeful, now wounded child within us into a knot of pain and hurt. That child within us hides in defensiveness and isolation to protect itself against further rejection and humiliation.

The four most common shame defenses (shame bodyguards) are:

• Withdraw:

  • isolating

  • running and hiding

• Avoid/Numb:

  • tries to not feel emotion

  • more in touch with thoughts than emotions

  • obessive-compulsive behaviors

  • denial

  • abusing drugs and alcohol

  • distraction through thrill-seeking

• Attack Self:

  • putting yourself down

  • allows others to feel more powerful and have more value

  • lack of sense of self

  • dependent

  • feels inadequate and helpless

  • over-identifies with others or something

  • harming yourself

• Attack Others:

  • takes on the characteristics of the abuser

  • establishes proof that you're more powerful by diminishing another

  • tends towards narcissism, antisocial behavior, paranoid, and shameless

  • selfish, patronizing, entitled, insensitive

  • turning the tables

  • blaming

  • lashing out verbally or physically

    
    

How Core Shame Affects Your Life

Core shame can have a profound impact on your life, often shaping your identity, relationships, and overall well-being.

It can lead to a cycle of self-sabotage, where you unconsciously undermine your own success or happiness because you feel you don't deserve it.

In relationships, shame can create barriers to intimacy, as the fear of being truly seen and potentially rejected may cause you to hide your true self.

Shame can also fuel mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-worth.

It can make setting healthy boundaries, advocating for your needs, or pursuing your goals difficult.

The pervasive feeling of inadequacy can hold you back from living a fulfilling life, trapping you in a pattern of self-doubt and negative self-talk.

How Shame-Informed Therapy Can Help

Shame-informed therapy focuses on understanding and healing the root causes of shame.

This type of therapy is about creating a safe, compassionate space where you can explore your shame without judgment.

The goal is to help you recognize the origins of your shame, understand how it affects your thoughts and behaviors, and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

Key aspects of shame-informed therapy include:

• Building Self-Compassion: Learning to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, rather than harsh self-criticism, is crucial in healing core shame.

• Exploring Origins of Shame: Therapy helps you uncover the early experiences and messages that contributed to your sense of shame, allowing you to reframe these narratives in a healthier way.

• Challenging Negative Beliefs: You will work on identifying and challenging the deeply ingrained beliefs that fuel your shame, replacing them with more positive and realistic self-perceptions.

• Strengthening Relationships: As you heal shame, you'll find it easier to connect with others authentically, improving your relationships and fostering a sense of belonging.

Shame-informed therapy is a journey of self-discovery and healing.

It helps you move beyond the limitations of core shame, empowering you to embrace your true self with compassion and confidence.

If you're struggling with feelings of unworthiness or self-doubt, this therapeutic approach can offer a path to greater self-acceptance and emotional well-being.

Remember, you don't have to face shame alone. Reaching out for support is a courageous step toward healing and reclaiming your sense of worth.

Are you in Colorado and wanting to heal from your past relational wounds and move towards secure attachment? Book a consultation here.

Attachment Trauma Therapist, EMDR, IFS, Attachment Theory

Written by:

Erika Baum, M.A. Clinical Mental Health Counseling, LPCC, NCC

EMDR-Trained

Denver, Castle Rock, Englewood, Colorado

As a Denver-based therapist, I specialize in relational and attachment trauma counseling, helping adults across Colorado heal from past emotional wounds and build strong, fulfilling relationships. I integrate spiritual principles with evidence-based techniques like EMDR to guide clients on their journey toward emotional resilience and well-being. My practice is dedicated to fostering meaningful connections and supporting clients in overcoming the challenges that impact their relationships and mental health.