The Laundry List: 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA) Denver, Colorado

Growing up in a household where one or both parents struggled with alcoholism can leave lasting emotional and psychological imprints.

The "Laundry List," developed by Tony A., outlines 14 traits often observed in adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs).

These traits provide insight into the struggles and patterns many individuals from such backgrounds face in their adult lives.

Understanding these traits can be the first step toward healing.

1. Fear of Authority Figures

Many ACoAs grew up in homes where their needs were unmet, leading to a deep-seated fear of authority figures. These individuals often fear criticism or disapproval and may avoid confrontation or setting boundaries.

2. People-Pleasing and Approval Seeking

Seeking validation and approval from others is a common trait. As children, they may have learned to prioritize others’ needs over their own to avoid conflict or maintain peace. As adults, this can manifest as chronic people-pleasing.

3. Difficulty with Intimate Relationships

Relationships can feel overwhelming or unsafe for ACoAs. Due to the inconsistency or neglect experienced in childhood, they may have difficulty trusting others, fear abandonment, or struggle with setting healthy emotional boundaries.

4. Overreacting to Changes

ACoAs often grew up in unpredictable environments, so as adults, they may find even small changes unsettling. This can lead to anxiety and heightened emotional responses when routines or expectations shift.

5. Compulsive Behaviors

The chaos of growing up in an alcoholic household can lead to compulsive tendencies, such as working excessively, over-exercising, or relying on substances to cope with emotions. These behaviors can serve as an escape from underlying emotional pain.

6. Self-Judgment and Perfectionism

ACoAs often have a harsh inner critic. They may set unattainable standards for themselves and feel an overwhelming sense of shame or inadequacy when they fail to meet those expectations. This can lead to chronic low self-esteem and self-doubt.

7. Fear of Abandonment

Due to their past experiences of emotional or physical neglect, many ACoAs develop an intense fear of abandonment. This fear can lead to clingy or overly dependent behaviors in relationships, often driven by a need for constant reassurance.

8. Isolation and Loneliness

ACoAs often feel different from others, which can contribute to feelings of isolation. This sense of “otherness” can prevent them from forming deep, meaningful connections, leaving them feeling misunderstood or disconnected from those around them.

9. Difficulty Having Fun

Many ACoAs grew up in environments where there was little room for play or joy. As a result, they may struggle to relax, have fun, or be spontaneous in adulthood, feeling guilty or undeserving when they try to enjoy themselves.

10. Confusion Between Love and Pity

Due to early exposure to unhealthy dynamics, ACoAs may mistake pity for love, finding themselves drawn to people they can “fix” or rescue. This often results in relationships where they prioritize others' needs over their own.

11. Harsh Self-Criticism

The internalized shame from childhood experiences often results in relentless self-criticism. ACoAs may struggle to show themselves compassion, feeling as though they’re never good enough, no matter how much they achieve.

12. Difficulty Following Through

ACoAs may struggle with sticking to plans or completing tasks. This can stem from growing up in an environment with inconsistent structure, making it difficult to develop the skills needed to maintain focus and follow through.

13. Fear of Losing Control

Given the unpredictable nature of growing up with an alcoholic parent, ACoAs may feel the need to control their surroundings to feel safe. This can manifest as a need for perfection, control in relationships, or a reluctance to ask for help.

14. Seeking Dysfunctional Relationships

ACoAs are often drawn to familiar, yet unhealthy, dynamics in adulthood. They may unconsciously seek out partners who mirror the behaviors of their alcoholic parent, continuing the cycle of dysfunction and emotional pain.

Moving Toward Healing

Recognizing these traits is the first step in breaking free from the patterns developed in childhood. If you resonate with any of these traits, know that you're not alone. There are many resources and support systems, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) groups and therapy, where you can begin to heal from the past and build a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Healing is possible, and as you grow in self-awareness, you'll find that you can break free from the painful patterns of the past.

You Can Heal!

Are you in Colorado and wanting to heal from your past relational wounds and move towards secure attachment? Book a consultation here.

Attachment Trauma Therapist, EMDR, IFS, Attachment Theory

Written by:

Erika Baum, M.A. Clinical Mental Health Counseling, LPCC

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Denver, Castle Rock, Englewood, Colorado