Helping or Enabling?
- Erika Baum
- Aug 10, 2024
- 3 min read
"Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing." – Laurie Buchanan
Many people confuse their intentions to support others with enabling behaviors. In this article, we will explore the critical distinction between helping and enabling, and why enabling can be a destructive and delusional behavior.
Are You an Enabler?
It can be challenging to examine our own behaviors and acknowledge when we may be enabling others. Self-awareness is the first step toward change.
Here are some common signs of enabling:
You frequently handle tasks for loved ones that they are capable of managing themselves.
You experience high levels of anxiety or worry about your loved one's actions or inactions.
You make excuses or lie about your loved one's harmful behavior or poor choices.
You minimize or deny the existence of your loved one's problems.
You consistently prioritize your loved one’s needs over your own.
You feel guilty or anxious if you don’t offer help.
You feel responsible for your loved one’s life decisions and issues.
You harbor resentment because you feel you are putting more effort into their life than they are.
You feel sorry for your loved one due to their past difficulties.
You fear letting your loved one face failure or consequences.
Do any of these resonate with you?
Why Do We Enable?
Enabling often stems from a lack of clear boundaries between our responsibilities and those of others. What might be perceived as helpful behavior can, in reality, be counterproductive. Enablers may act out of a desire to control, seek approval, or gain recognition, rather than genuinely helping.
Consider this example:
Timmy's mother, distressed by his struggles to tie his shoes, continually stepped in to do it for him. Although she felt she was helping, she was actually preventing Timmy from learning an essential skill. As Timmy grew older, his mother’s enabling behavior only served to reinforce his dependence and her own sense of being needed.
Instead of fostering Timmy’s independence, her actions delayed his ability to perform this task himself. A more supportive approach would have been for her to offer guidance and encouragement, helping Timmy develop the skill on his own.
How to Stop Enabling
Breaking the cycle of enabling isn't easy, and change won't happen overnight. However, with commitment and effort, you can make progress. Here are some steps to get started:
Acknowledge Your Behavior: Recognize that you may be enabling rather than helping.
Identify Boundaries: Clearly distinguish between your responsibilities and those of your loved one.
Admit the Impact: Understand that enabling is not truly beneficial for your loved one.
Offer Support, Not Solutions: Guide and coach your loved one in learning new skills instead of doing tasks for them.
Educate Yourself: Read "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg to learn effective communication strategies.
Seek Professional Help: Consider working with a therapist to establish healthy boundaries and cultivate self-worth from within, rather than through enabling behaviors.
Remember, change is a process. You didn’t become an enabler overnight, and transforming these patterns will take time and effort.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please share below in the comments!
Cheers!
Erika Baum
As a Denver-based therapist, I specialize in relational and attachment trauma counseling, helping adults across Colorado heal from past emotional wounds and build strong, fulfilling relationships. I integrate spiritual principles with evidence-based techniques like EMDR to guide clients on their journey toward emotional resilience and well-being. My practice is dedicated to fostering meaningful connections and supporting clients in overcoming the challenges that impact their relationships and mental health.
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